The holiday season can be especially difficult if we are grieving.
Just before Christmas 2012, a friend sent us a holiday card, the kind that comes with a letter telling how everyone in the family is doing. Something had happened to their son requiring surgery, something I lost memory of, as their comment drummed itself into my mind, Thanks to prayers and positivity, Johnny recovered and is doing well.
The words were such a face slap. This was the first Christmas after our young son Riley had died. I remember placing the card on our kitchen table atop some unopened ones. The holiday photos of the four of us hung on the kitchen wall from two years ago. Desmond and Riley running through the grassy field at the Temescal Canyon photo shoot. Desmond’s arms out like an airplane—Riley mid-skip, his gaping smile.
The photos from our Temescal Canyon photo session: Desmond and Riley. And then Me, Lee, Desmond, and Riley.
I had been terrified that day. It was only weeks after Riley’s first brain bleed when we discovered he had an inoperable AVM (Arteriovenous Malformation). He had been hyperactive during the photo shoot from the medication he was taking to avoid seizures, and I was worried that he would have another bleed from running and jumping around. But how could we stop him from chasing and goofing around with his brother, and what would his quality of life be even if we could?
We were told by the doctors that they didn’t know what caused AVM bleeds. As parents protecting our sons from harm, our focus had been external. How could we save him from an internal threat that might be triggered by anything or nothing?
I wondered about the friend who sent the card. Did he think that if we had prayed harder and been more positive, Riley would have survived? Or did he think that it was God’s will? Either way, it infuriated me.
Now, I think it’s brave to send a Christmas card to parents who have just lost a child. It’s brave to talk to someone who has lost a child. It’s brave to stick around. I think for some people, it is too confronting. We are a billboard for tragedy, a reminder: Children die.
I have more compassion now for people who surrounded us when Riley died, for things they said in casual conversation that caused us pain. It would be easier to stay away and not have to worry about saying the wrong thing.
I still find it challenging to reach out to people who have suffered a loss, but I remind myself that it is better to connect and not disappear from their lives, even if what I say or write to them isn’t perfect. I have a friend who used to just reach out and let me know she was thinking of me. I have learned that simple and thoughtful is best.
December Journal Prompts
#1 Think about a time during the holidays when you were (or if you are) grieving and someone said the wrong thing to you. How did you respond? Was there something you wished you had said to them? If time has passed, do you feel differently about it now?
#2 If you were going to send out a holiday card with a letter of things to share, what would be on the list? Often these kinds of cards only list the highs and accomplishments like photos posted on social media. Try making a list of both positives and negatives from the year to put in a pretend card. Write about how you handled one of the challenges that you had and if it led to any kind of transformation or new understanding.
#3 If you were going to honor your person who died during the holidays, how would you implement it on a holiday card or in a ritual? Every year we put “In Loving Memory of Riley Thomas Brenner” on our card and we put a stocking up to honor him with a few of his beloved treasures. Write about what you might do. How do you imagine people would react?If you already have rituals in place, write about how people have responded to them? Has there been disagreement between you and other family members about them?
Helpful Books for Grieving
I've curated a list of books to help if you're grieving during the holidays.
