Friends,
When someone we love dies, there is a delineation of before and after. We will never be the same whether we want to be or not. We become new versions of ourselves we don’t know or fully comprehend, and the world feels strange and unfamiliar.
One of the ways I changed from my son Riley’s death is that I became more positive and appreciative. It seems strange to change in that way because of the loss of a child, but I think having something so bad happen made me realize how much time and energy I wasted being fearful, worried, and depressed.
I see now that I was already gravitating towards more gratitude years before—the seeds of transformation already planted before Riley died. I hadn’t realized the ways I had already started to change from knowing him. Offshoots of transformation have continued to flourish as my grief ages.
Here is a journal entry I wrote before my second son Desmond was born, when Riley was two years old:
Why do I need to focus on all the negative shit? It just seems easier to be negative. Easier to focus on all the things that make me unhappy. I know I should be grateful. Although it irritates the shit out of me when people say this. Sometimes it’s impossible for me to see the big picture. Why can’t I change? I want to laugh more and cry less. I don’t want to be angry all the time. It’s exhausting. I’m wasting my life. Missing out on the good moments. I don’t want to miss out on my son’s childhood. I know it will go by so fast and I will only have these good moments to remember it by. The other day, I pictured the type of person I want to be. It was like watching a movie of myself. I was doing yoga and looked up at a picture of me and Riley at 8 weeks old. I noticed one of Riley’s Weeble Wobbles in the corner of our bedroom and made note for the fifth time to pick it up. I could hear him playing in the other room. I could only imagine what that room was going to look like when I came out. I caught my reflection in the mirror. I needed to change. I needed to come out of this room and not be angry. Not care about the mess. Not care about all the work I had to do. Not complain. I needed to look at my husband and son and smile.
I don’t think I realized that in simply thinking and writing about the person I wanted to become, I was already drifting towards her. When Riley died, I was ready to transform and open to the growth, change and the new world that came with it.
This past July 28th, Riley would have been twenty-one. It’s hard to believe. As I celebrated his life, I thought about the essence of who he was: pure love, beauty, and positivity.
I don’t think he needed much time on this earth to work on things because he was already so clear about who he was. Whenever, we were late somewhere and giving up hope, trying to ward off disappointment for him, he would say, “You never know!” His sweet optimistic words resound in my head whenever I’m feeling discouraged.
I think about how we are transformed by the people in our lives that we love, by our mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, children and friends, in ways we don’t fully realize and see, sometimes not until they are gone. How their unique personalities, interests, and qualities create change in us or plant seeds to bloom in the future.
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October Journal Prompts
#1 Think of a few people in your life, living or dead, who have changed you. Pick one person and write about the ways you have been transformed by them. Did you develop a new passion because of them? Did you gain a new perspective or develop a healthy habit? How did they inspire you?
#2 Find a journal entry or piece of writing from before your person died and reflect on it. How are you different now? How are you the same? If you don’t have any old pieces of writing, write for five minutes about who you were before and who you are now.
Was there a way you wanted to change prior to your loss? Did you feel stuck in some way? Did you take action on this change after your person died? #3 Write about how you became unstuck.
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More Grief Support
If you are looking for grief support in a small group setting, I hope you will check out my Writing through Grief and Writing through Child Loss small groups. And if you're interested, be sure to sign up for the waitlist so I can let you know as soon as the next group enrollment begins.
Warmly,
Chanel
