Dear Friends,
Since returning from our annual Riley Day trip, I’ve been thinking about how important rituals are for us. How they allow us to continue to grieve and are such a powerful way to connect with our person and integrate loss into our lives.
Rituals can be small like lighting a candle or going to a favorite restaurant we frequented with our person and eating the food they loved. Or they can be larger like yearly trips, memorial services, and annual charity events. Rituals can comfort us during holidays and anniversaries. Here are a few the vignettes I have written about our Riley Day trips:
Riley Day #1. Dayna Point
I remember the warmth of the sun on my face as I walked down the steep sidewalk from the hotel, looking into shop windows. I had forgotten a hat to protect my fair skin but didn’t care. I remember feeling happy, smelling fried food, hearing laughter ring from cafe tables. I remember being surprised by the moment of joy. I sauntered into a shop, tried on clothes lightheartedly, like a person who didn’t have a dead child. I bought a white sweater that I wore out to dinner that night. I stopped wearing black when Riley died. I don’t think the sweater was very flattering but at least it was new. How did I feel okay a year after he died? I wonder in hindsight. Maybe it was the sparkling ocean in view, the feel of soft brine on my skin. Maybe it was the bubbles in the champagne I had been drinking, lifting my spirit.
Riley Day #7. Palm Springs
We stopped somewhere between Los Angeles and Rancho Mirage to charge our car. The charging station was at the top of a large parking structure, overlooking a skate shop. I remember my hair was blowing in the wind as we watched the boys down below, skateboarding in front of the shop. Sixties music was blasting on a boombox, and they were doing kickflips, swigging from cans of Coors on breaks. I think it was a Sunday and the streets were empty. It reminded me of a post apocalyptic movie scene. Life thriving amongst desolation. How I imagine us as a family without Riley. We loved one of the songs they were playing and listened to it repeatedly on the remainder of the drive. We can never remember the name, but it always reminds us of this trip. In a picture of me from this trip, I wore a long olive-green cardigan with a white t-shirt and skinny jeans. It felt like me. This was the trip we started to write in postcards to Riley at dinner. I don’t remember how I came up with the idea, but it stuck. I bought a wood storage box for them and had it engraved with his name.
Riley Day #12. Cabo, Mexico
The airport in Cabo was chaos when we arrived…the beginning of spring break and too many planes coming in at the same time, we were told. I felt a wraith-like calm in the flurry of people and suitcases smashing into each other, more like a moshpit at a concert than a baggage terminal. Somehow, a new line opened, and I was in it before I even knew I was in it. Desmond navigated to me with suitcases and then went back for his father, managing to make his way with him through three lines of people and luggage. When we arrived at the resort, there was so much open space and vast blue water. We tequila tasted at the bar overlooking pools and the ocean. I sipped sweet, smokey agave. Salt lingered on my lips from crisp tortilla chips. On small plates before us there were two crickets and a scorpion. Desmond drank virgin margaritas, then challenged his dad to eat a scorpion with him. They did it so fast I didn’t have time to say, “No!” I pushed down the fear gnawing in my stomach about the repugnant animal they both chowed down. In the morning, at breakfast, we watched a whale spout water in the distance. We ate conchas, sweet and crisp on the outside and like clouds on the inside. We spent the day in a decorated cabana by the pool with balloons, red roses, and a sign that said, “Happy Riley Day.” A hummingbird hovered around us.
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Journal Prompts
#1 Think about a ritual you created after a loss. Was it conscious or unconscious? What inspired it? Write about a time you remember acting out this ritual. What did you feel? See? Smell? Hear? Taste?
#2 How has this ritual evolved with the passage of time? Have you expanded it or has it become simpler? Write about how it has changed and try to show with images from times you remember doing this ritual.
#3 If you don’t have a ritual yet and would like to start one, what might you envision doing? Is there something that your person loved or wanted to do? Is there something or a place that would help you feel more connected to them? Even if you think the ritual isn’t possible, write about how you imagine it unfolding. What will you do? What will you see? Write to your loved one about it.
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If you have any writings about your grief rituals, I encourage you to submit them to Shared Grief Journal. I would love to read them!
Shared Grief Journal is a place to heal and connect authentically through the act of writing and reading.
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Process and Heal through Writing and Community
Writing through Child Loss Group
(Apr. 22 - May 27, 11am-12pm PDT)
A 6-week online writing support group, where I share the healing power of writing to help you navigate your grief, no matter where you are in your journey.
Small group, space is limited.
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Writing through Grief Group
(Apr. 22 - May 27, 1pm-2pm PDT)
A 6-week online writing support group for all kinds of grief, where I share the healing power of writing, no matter where you are in your journey.
Small group, space is limited.
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Warmly,
Chanel
